Guns, Swearing, and Boobs

I know! All of those things are awesome! I too am unable to fathom just how awesome this article is going to be.

Who doesn't love these things? This is fuckin' America people! (see what I did there?) But which one is the best? The answer may be harder to determine than you'd think. Let's explore.

GUNS
Guns are freakin' sweet. I mean, who doesn't love to go camping, set pop cans up on a rock, and then use a dangerously high powered projectile weapon to push those cans off the rock? Hell yeah!

Have you ever played a video game without guns in it? Of course not. They don't exist. Same with movies. Go watch The Notebook again. There's gotta be a gun in there somewhere.

Seriously though, most popular entertainment features guns. They're everywhere. Guns, whose primary function is to kill (or best case scenario, violently incapacitate) are likely featured more than anything else, save for people. And who loves them? EVERYBODY! Men, women, old people, young people, Republicans, (and to a lesser degree) Democrats. The NRA positively LOVES guns. Everyone loves them. Young children, albeit with the consent of a parent or sufficiently adult guardian (I don't think I qualify) are more than welcome to watch movies and play video games where tons of people get shot in the face. Awesome.

SWEARING
Swearing is even better than guns! You don't need a permit, it doesn't cost anything, and it's easy to take with you everywhere you go. And, even though I've done absolutely no research on this, I feel pretty confident in saying that swearing has never directly killed a person, on purpose or accidentally.

However, despite it's lack of lethality (or maybe because of it) swearing is not nearly as popular in mainstream entertainment. You can't say "fuck" more than once in a movie without gaining an R rating, but you can kill a fuckload of people with guns and still be PG-13 (this sentence is rated R for language.) Parents seem much less likely to take their kids to a raunchy comedy full of language than to an action movie full of killing. Odd, seeing as how I'd much rather have someone tell me to "eat shit" than shoot me in the chest. But then again, I'm an eccentric, so go figure.

BOOBS
Ah, boobs are the best. Everything about them is wonderful and amazing. They are number one of the list of Awesome Stuff, followed closely by a nitrogen-oxygen atmosphere, water, and the sun. (The sun would likely be higher on the list if it wasn't so in your face about everything.)

Honestly, without boobs, the human race would not exist. They create and deliver the life-giving nutrients that nourish us through our early formative periods. (Shut up Formula, nobody likes you.) All of those people that invented and created many of the technological advances that you take for granted owe their success to boobs. Via the Transitive Property, breasts are directly responsible for every advancement of the human race. Remember the space shuttle? Thanks boobs.

And yet, for some reason, boobs are the smelly kid of the entertainment world. Nobody likes them. Sure, maybe you actually like the smelly kid, and hang out with him in private, but there's no way you'd actually admit that to people.

If a woman takes her shirt off in a movie, even if her back is to the camera, people FREAK OUT! "Oh my God! I'm fairly certain there are fleshy protrusions on her chest! What if my children were to see that!? The moral fiber of America is collapsing! Oh noes!"

How dare they! Everyone knows that the less of the human body that is visible in general, the more successful the global economy is. DUH!

RECAP
Alright, let's go over this again really quick.

Guns: bringers of death, pain and suffering - widely accepted and even embraced. Check.

Swearing: offensive at times, but ultimately harmless (sticks and stones, and all that) - accepted, but less so, and only under a specific set of rules. Check.

Boobs: soft, innocuous, givers of life - BANNED AND TREATED WITH A LEVEL OF ANTAGONISM THAT EVEN ILLICIT CONTROLLED SUBSTANCES DON'T SUFFER. Che...wait. What the hell?

So, movies like Hostel, which I understand to be a movie where people are tortured ad nauseum (I haven't actually seen it) are pretty widely accepted, but any film where a woman is topless (no matter the brevity of the scene) is dripping with controversy and protest.

The further something is from a horrible and painful death, the less accepted it is. But the higher the body count, the better. (Hardly anyone died in Mission: Impossible and a lot of people struggled with that movie. Sad, really.) Our culture has a much easier time dealing with mass murder than with natural elements of the human physiology. Way to have your priorities in order, America.