Contrary to popular belief, Harry Potter isn't good.

As anyone who knows me is very aware, I'm not Harry Potter's biggest fan. There are a number of reasons why this is. I don't understand why so many adults find what is a clearly an adolescent series so fascinating. I don't know why people treat it as a sacred and reverent text devoid of all flaw and issue. (I can recognize many issues in even my favorite novels.) But really, ultimately, it's because the writing is crap.

"Ugh, but it gets better later on!" Screw that. I'm not walking through miles of barbed wire and landmines just to get to a piece of cake at the end. Even if it is really awesome cake. Not worth it. Likewise, I'm not going to trudge through several crappy books to get to the "good stuff" when there are plenty of good books I can enjoy right now.

So, due to overwhelming popular demand....or one person who was particularly obnoxious about me re-posting this (you know who you are), here is my original blog about Harry Potter (with a few minor fixes.) Enjoy!

P.S. I almost killed a kid with this piece, so consider yourself warned. (Hi Shayne!)


J.K. Rowling can’t write for shit.

As my title may lead you to believe, I am fully under the impression that J.K. Rowling is a shitty writer. "But Zeb!" some of you may cry, "she's made millions off those books. They HAVE to be good." To that, I say, "Nay." Three examples of no talent ass-clowns who have millions of dollars: Paris Hilton, David Hasselhoff, and the entire cast of Jersey Shore. Enough said.

The writing is atrocious at best, even when taking into account that these books were written for adolescents. One person told me that the writing wasn't the appeal of these books, but the story. It has a fantastic, compelling story that takes you on a wondrous magic carpet ride of imagination. (NOTE: Not a direct quote.) Having a great story is fine, but if you can't use the language to portray it in an intelligent and interesting way, you're still a crappy writer. (Crime and Punishment is another book with a great story, but boring as hell writer. I couldn't go five minutes in that book without falling asleep, and stopped trying halfway through. What do people see in Dostoevsky anyway? But I digress...) Allow me to give you an example. Here is a great story from Geoffrey Chaucer's The Canterbury Tales, as interpreted and written by J.K. Rowling.* The story itself will be presented in a larger, easier to read font, because it's obviously written for child...I mean, adults.



Once upon a time there were two brothers at a bar, drinking heavily (of wine and beer.) One was named Bimblyboo, and the other, Craggle-da. They were strange looking brothers. Even though Craggle-da had an overly large forehead, he had slender fingers. Bimblyboo had hands the size of rocks and feet as long as string. Drunk as they were (and they were quite drunk), they decided to kill Death. An old man at the bar told them they could find Death under the lone tree out on Gooblyrock Ridge. So they left.

They reached the lone tree out on Gooblyrock Ridge just before dark. But Death wasn't there. There was only a pile of amazing jewels.

"These are fabulous jewels!" Craggle-da said fabulously.

Each jewel was the size of a nine day old duckling and a small jar of marmalade combined, and each of the brothers looked upon them and thought how much they wanted them for themselves.

"It's almost dark," said Bimblyboo darkly. "We should carry these home in the day. I will go to town and bring back food and drink for tonight."

"And I will guard the jewels," said Craggle-da guardedly.

As soon as Bimblyboo left, Craggle-da began to formulate a plan to kill his brother so he may have all the jewels to himself. He pulled his Person-Stabber out of his belt and hid it in his sleeve.

"When Bimblyboo come back, I will stab him dead with my Person-Stabber," he laughed evily.

Meanwhile in town, Bimblyboo had bought the food and drinks, and was now making his own plan to kill his brother. So he went to the Poisony Poisons and Potions to buy poison to put in his brothers drink.

"I need strong poison to kill some rats at my house," he lied to the storekeeper.

The storekeeper knew that he was lying, but for some reason didn't think he was telling the truth.

"Okay," he said.

Bimblyboo got so excited that he accidentally spilled one of the drinks on the counter.

"Oh no!"

"Don't worry," said the shopkeeper. "I can clean it up."

He pulled a repaired Get-Wetter out of his sleeve. It looked kind of like a squirt gun. He pulled the trigger on it once, and all the water on the counter dried up instantly.

"Here is your poison," said the shopkeeper, handing him the poison.

Bimblyboo paid quickly, and ran out the door. Before anyone could see, he dumped all the poison in the only drink left.

When Bimblyboo got back to the lone tree on Gooblyrock Ridge, his brother was waiting there for him.

"Hello brother. I am not going to stab you with my Person-Stabber."

"How many?" said Bimblyboo stupidly.

Craggle-da slipped the Person-Stabber from his sleeve and stabbed Bimblyboo in the chest.
"Oh no, you've killed me." Bimblyboo said deadly, as he fell to the ground.

"Now, to enjoy the food and drink before I take the jewels, which are all mine."

The drink was his favorite one (it was full of dancing jiggleberries) and he gulped it down like a seahorse.

"Oh no, poison!" he said, surprisedly, before he fell over and died.



Holy crap that sucked. My deepest apologies for creating that worthless text for you to read. Now, the scary thing is, all of the elements I used in this story, are techniques that J.K. Rowling actually uses in Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone. Furthermore, they're all in the first couple of chapters of the book! Allow me to demonstrate.

"Even though Craggle-da had an overly large forehead, he had slender fingers." - Chapter 1. This is on the first page. Rowling's sentence reads, "He was a big, beefy man with hardly any neck, although he did have a very large mustache." Although? As if in some way, his large mustache compensates for his lack of neck? How are those two things related?

"Bimblyboo had hands the size of rocks and feet as long as string." - In Chapter 1, while describing Hagrid, she states, "...and his feet in their leather boots were like baby dolphins." WHAT? How are baby dolphins like feet in any way? Is she trying to say that his feet are wet and smooth? Are they swimming in there? Is she trying to indicate size? Let's suppose for a moment that using the word 'baby' when describing something large isn't counter-productive, who can readily bring to mind how large a baby dolphin is? Holy crap.

"Drunk as they were (and they were quite drunk)" - This one is everywhere. I don't know why she insists on using parentheses at all, let alone where they're unnecessary.

"Craggle-da said fabulously.", "said Bimblyboo darkly.", etc. etc. etc. - Another one that is near constant. My favorite one, which I can't find incidentally, says someone said something "importantly." If you can't express the character's emotion through good writing, AT LEAST ONCE!, maybe you should take a class rather than force-feed us how they're feeling with adverbs. Oh wait, this is a book for kids.

"Person-Stabber," and the "Get-Wetter," that dries up the puddle are from Chapter 1. Dumbledore, the inspiration for the names of my characters, uses an item called a Put-Outer, to put out the lights in the street. Okay, I can accept that. But when he uses the Put-Outer to turn the lights back ON, I did the equivalent of a reading double take. Seriously, using the Put-Outer to turn lights on is like trying to put out a fire with a box of matches.

"The storekeeper knew that he was lying, but for some reason didn't think he was telling the truth." - In Chapter 5, Harry is still having trouble accepting that he is a wizard, and wonders if the Dursely's have played a trick on him. "If Harry hadn't known that the Dursely's had no sense of humor, he might have thought so; yet somehow, even though everything Hagrid had told him so far was unbelievable, Harry couldn't help trusting him." So, he's saying, I know it can't be a trick, and yet I believe that this guy isn't tricking me. Hmmm. Good one.

"How many?" asked Bimblyboo stupidly." - In Chapter 4, someone knocks on the door. "'Where's the cannon?' he (Dudley) said stupidly." I think this is an attempt at humor, but I don't really get it. Maybe 'cause I'm not eleven. Go figure.

"He pulled a repaired Get-Wetter out of his sleeve." In Chapter 3, she writes, "The repaired alarm clock rang at six o'clock the next morning." Why did she tell us it was repaired? She never told us it was broken. There was no discussion about it getting fixed. That sentence is the only reference to it being broken. Like, at all.

There's more I could go on about, but I'm already upset I spent this much time on this crap book so I'm going to end it here. My main point is that this is a book for children and adolescents, and I'm sick and tired of ADULTS heralding this book as great and amazing.

*J.K. Rowling didn't write this story, I did. Normally I wouldn't have to say this, but the people who have confused Rowling's writing style with good writing might be confused about satire.