The Irony of Selfishness

Everybody is selfish.

It's natural.  We're supposed to be selfish.  A wholly unselfish person would give away all their food and clothing and eventually starve to death in the snow.  It's not a great model for success.

But we also do a lot of selfish things that don't directly contribute to our survival, and most of the time, it's fine.  When I'm playing Rock Band, a lot of times I pick songs that I like, not necessarily songs that the other players would like.  (Sorry Mom, Nickelback isn't good.)  I've eaten the last brownie before.  (Yeah, it was me.)  However, I've started noticing a disturbing trend where people are selfish to the point of causing themselves actual detriment.

It's odd really, since the concept of being selfish is supposed to give you the benefits while causing others detriment.  I think that these extreme self-destructive examples of selfishness are accompanied by a certain level of arrogance.  (I can't think of a personal example here because I'm such a great person.)  I have to believe that these people truly think they are the only person around, or that they're invincible, or some other such delusion.  Or, perhaps more accurately, there is a distinct lack of thinking involved.

There are a million other examples of this behavior.  Like idiot drivers turning left in front of people.  Maybe they're just in a hurry, maybe they're trying to get on the tail end of a turn arrow.  Doesn't matter.  If there is an accident, I'm going to slam directly into your body.  Not the front of your car, not the back.  There are only a few inches of plastic protecting you from the smashy force of my vehicle.  I'm going to be upset that I have to deal with the insurance company, and you're going to be upset that your organs are now full of bones.

Or what about people that decide to chat in a group right next to the door.  I'm telling you now, I clock one of those dipshits in the face with the door, and I'm not going to feel bad.  Or just about everyone who goes out on Black Friday.  (Sorry Jon.)  Or those people who don't clean all the snow off their car.  If someone behind you gets blinded by the blizzard you've created, wrecks their car, and sues the shit out of you, don't come crying to me.  I don't even care how cold it was that morning, or how late to work you were.  Doesn't seem worth it.

Here's my favorite.  At the building where I used to work, there was a public restroom that was an individual use bathroom.  One toilet, one sink, you lock the door behind you, blah blah blah.  Etiquette dictates that you attempt to turn the knob, and upon finding it secured, you move on, because clearly the bathroom is occupied.  I, in my endless neuroses, would go so far as to press on the handle ever so gently until the lock engaged, so as not to disturb anyone inside.

However, there are an alarming number of people who approach the restroom and then immediately ASSAULT THE DOOR WITH MONSTER TRUCK FORCE!!!!  I swear that some of these people put their fucking shoulder into it like a member of a S.W.A.T. team.

I don't know if these people are in an emergency waste removal situation, or if they're just not thinking, or if they don't understand the concept of barriers, but it doesn't matter.  I'm in there, asshole.  Whatever it is that you need to take care of isn't going to happen, because I'm sitting in there taking a dump.  Supposing you were able to break down the door with your sledgehammer attack, all that is going to happen is you're going to see my dick, or shit coming out of my ass, or something else equally disturbing.  Trust me, if that happens, no one is going to be happy.

Seriously, anyone who thinks they can break down a bathroom door, throw the occupant to the ground, and take a shit themselves, is fucking insane.  I'm not in law enforcement, but that sounds like a felony.

Look, we live in a society, which means there are a LOT of people around.  And we all know that I, maybe more than anyone, wishes that wasn't the case.  But it is.  So, if you're going to be selfish, that's fine.  But it might be a good idea for you to think about someone else every once in a while.  Because if you don't, you're going to end up getting hurt, or see something really unpleasant.

Like my dick.

George Watsky is a fucking genius.

George Watsky just kicked my ass.

For those of you who know anything about me, I've pretty much had a constant boner for George Watsky ever since I first discovered him.  (Thank you, Shayne.  For introducing me to Watsky, not for the boner.)  The kid is pretty much my hero, despite my being about five years older than him.  I appreciate how clever he is with his language, how he stays true to what he feels and believes, and how he is able to really get a point across with his poetry and rap.  There's just something about his art that really speaks to me, in ways I've never experienced before.

One of the other reasons I admire him so greatly is because of his drive and determination.  Let's face it, pretty much no one knows who George Watsky is.  But that hasn't slowed the kid down at all.  He's still out there, making his videos, writing his poetry and music, and putting it out there.  There's no way this kid isn't going to be big.  He's going to make it happen, no matter what.

He's bold and charismatic, and has amazing presentation.  Things which I am not, or do not possess.  Well, perhaps in some small way, I am those things.  I know how to entertain people with a story.  But I'm definitely not the "get up on a stage and tell that story to a million people" guy.

See, I have severe chronic depression.  This isn't the article where I'll really get into the nitty gritty of the situation, but I'll give you the basics.  Depression is a crushing condition.  There are days where I just can't do things.  As in, I completely feel as though I lack the ability to do simple things, like order a pizza over the phone.  There are moments where literally everything feels gray, and hopeless, and mundane, and nothing seems fun or worthwhile.  Actually, there are a lot of those moments.  An awful lot of those moments.

I do my best not to use my depression as a crutch, or an excuse.  And to be honest, I can't really tell the difference between hiding behind my depression, and it legitimately crushing me under it's weight.  Either way, I don't want to let it hold me back, but that is a difficult proposition.  It's like an enemy that you can only escape by running away, and it has broken your legs.

But, I have used it as an excuse.  Looking at Watsky putting his writing out there in the ways that I have not, depression has been the thing I've identified as separating us.  I think "I would totally write more, and find more venues to express myself through my material, just like Watsky, but unfortunately, I'm depressed, and that's what's holding me back."

Yes, I'm kind of a bitch.  We all know.

Then, today, I listened to Watsky's new song "Hey, Asshole."  Check it out here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=aXTxoPFmL0k   (While you're there, watch every other video he's ever done, because the guy is great.)

Maybe I'm reading too much into it.  Maybe I'm not.  But this song is fucking SPOT ON in regards to how I feel about my depression.  SPOT.  ON.  Most people that I've had depression discussions with simply don't understand the concept.  So, this brings me to an eerie conclusion.  Either Watsky is incredibly close to someone who has depresssion, or, DUN DUN DUNNN.....he has depression himself.

Yeah, you watch some videos, and sure, he doesn't look like he has anything even remotely related to depression.  Well, we get pretty good at faking it in situations that require us to.  I function pretty well at work, even on my bad days.

So if he does have depression, then I really have no fucking excuse.  While this is a very very very scary proposition, it also could be somewhat freeing.  If someone else, someone that I can relate to, and wants to do the same thing I do (writing, in a very general sense) and has the same issues that I do, and can succeed, then dammit, I can too.

So, it's been an inspirational couple of weeks for me.  Lot of changes recently (I moved, though not of my own volition) and maybe it's time for me to get strong.  Maybe it's time to get moving, get working on my shit, and make some things happen.  Of course, I've said this a thousand times before, and failed.  Oh well, I suppose this is as good a moment as any to get back up and start running again, even if falling down a little further down the trail is inevitable.  Perhaps it's only really a failure if you never get back up again.

Anyway, thanks George.

No More Holding Back?

I'm back bitches.  Of course, that statement hardly holds any weight.  If you don't believe me, read my first post, and then check the dates of my last few posted articles.  Yeah, fail.

Anyway, here I am again, writing, so I suppose that is some measure of success, no matter how small.  Several wasted years is nothing in the grand scheme of things, right?  Well, unless I get hit by a bus or something tomorrow, in which case I'm fucked, and I totally lose.

First of all, know that this isn't really an article in and of itself.  This is simply some musings of mine on the state of my writing, and where I'd like it to go in the future.  If you were excited about some actual content, you can just move on to my next post.  Otherwise, enjoy what is both a peek into the inner workings of my mind at this moment in time, and what also might be considered a bit of a disclaimer of things to come.

I'm pretty sure I've been censoring myself through the course of this blog.  Subtly, perhaps, but it's been there.  I've been loathe to utilize the swears in certain places, and I may have held back on saying some messed up shit, as I'm wont to do in everyday life.  The reason for this, heretofore, has been to shelter some of the people I know.  I know there are people in my life who read this blog that won't appreciate some of my material.  Some of these people likely are reading this simply due to the fact that they know me, and not necessarily because they're interested in the content so much, but they are still experiencing it anyway.

I don't think I'm going to hold back on my content anymore though.  There is a strong possibility that these people I've mentioned will stop reading my blog.  There's even a strong possibility that my unfiltered opinions, and the delivery of those opinions, will compromise my friendships with these people.  And not to sound particualarly callous or unfeeling, but fuck 'em.

Not that I don't care about these people (my wife is among them, but she doesn't read my blog anyway unless I force her, so this is really a non-issue.)  Obviously I care about these people a great deal, as up to this point, I've really done my best to reign in some of my basal urges in an effort to "protect" them in some way.  But I'm coming to the conclusion that this holding back is, well, holding me back.

My writing is, in a very real sense, an extention of myself.  It's the manifestation of my inner most thought, feelings, imaginings, fantasies, emotions, and what I consider truths.  And really, anything I do to temper those things hurts me as a person, and hurts my writing.  If I want my writing to reach it's highest potential, I've really got to open the throttle and go full bore.

Ironically, while thinking about this idea, I was looking at xkcd.com (amazing, check it out). I hit the Random button and came across this comic: http://xkcd.com/137/.  (Don't worry, it was the third time I clicked it, so it wasn't like it was some divine message from the universe.)  Anyway, this genius comic pretty eloquently sums up my position on things.  This is my dream, and I really need to fucking go for it.

So, if you feel the need to unsubscribe to this blog, do it.  I won't be offended.  Trust me, I'll understand completely.  Because I'm going to start saying "fuck" a lot.  I'm going to talk about how if you don't brush the snow off your car completely, you're a selfish asshole.  I'll mention that homosexuality is okay, that hookers should be able to get paid for sex, and that God, if he exists, isn't as powerful or as awesome as you think he is.

Join me or don't.  Either way, it's on.