The Irony of Selfishness

Everybody is selfish.

It's natural.  We're supposed to be selfish.  A wholly unselfish person would give away all their food and clothing and eventually starve to death in the snow.  It's not a great model for success.

But we also do a lot of selfish things that don't directly contribute to our survival, and most of the time, it's fine.  When I'm playing Rock Band, a lot of times I pick songs that I like, not necessarily songs that the other players would like.  (Sorry Mom, Nickelback isn't good.)  I've eaten the last brownie before.  (Yeah, it was me.)  However, I've started noticing a disturbing trend where people are selfish to the point of causing themselves actual detriment.

It's odd really, since the concept of being selfish is supposed to give you the benefits while causing others detriment.  I think that these extreme self-destructive examples of selfishness are accompanied by a certain level of arrogance.  (I can't think of a personal example here because I'm such a great person.)  I have to believe that these people truly think they are the only person around, or that they're invincible, or some other such delusion.  Or, perhaps more accurately, there is a distinct lack of thinking involved.

There are a million other examples of this behavior.  Like idiot drivers turning left in front of people.  Maybe they're just in a hurry, maybe they're trying to get on the tail end of a turn arrow.  Doesn't matter.  If there is an accident, I'm going to slam directly into your body.  Not the front of your car, not the back.  There are only a few inches of plastic protecting you from the smashy force of my vehicle.  I'm going to be upset that I have to deal with the insurance company, and you're going to be upset that your organs are now full of bones.

Or what about people that decide to chat in a group right next to the door.  I'm telling you now, I clock one of those dipshits in the face with the door, and I'm not going to feel bad.  Or just about everyone who goes out on Black Friday.  (Sorry Jon.)  Or those people who don't clean all the snow off their car.  If someone behind you gets blinded by the blizzard you've created, wrecks their car, and sues the shit out of you, don't come crying to me.  I don't even care how cold it was that morning, or how late to work you were.  Doesn't seem worth it.

Here's my favorite.  At the building where I used to work, there was a public restroom that was an individual use bathroom.  One toilet, one sink, you lock the door behind you, blah blah blah.  Etiquette dictates that you attempt to turn the knob, and upon finding it secured, you move on, because clearly the bathroom is occupied.  I, in my endless neuroses, would go so far as to press on the handle ever so gently until the lock engaged, so as not to disturb anyone inside.

However, there are an alarming number of people who approach the restroom and then immediately ASSAULT THE DOOR WITH MONSTER TRUCK FORCE!!!!  I swear that some of these people put their fucking shoulder into it like a member of a S.W.A.T. team.

I don't know if these people are in an emergency waste removal situation, or if they're just not thinking, or if they don't understand the concept of barriers, but it doesn't matter.  I'm in there, asshole.  Whatever it is that you need to take care of isn't going to happen, because I'm sitting in there taking a dump.  Supposing you were able to break down the door with your sledgehammer attack, all that is going to happen is you're going to see my dick, or shit coming out of my ass, or something else equally disturbing.  Trust me, if that happens, no one is going to be happy.

Seriously, anyone who thinks they can break down a bathroom door, throw the occupant to the ground, and take a shit themselves, is fucking insane.  I'm not in law enforcement, but that sounds like a felony.

Look, we live in a society, which means there are a LOT of people around.  And we all know that I, maybe more than anyone, wishes that wasn't the case.  But it is.  So, if you're going to be selfish, that's fine.  But it might be a good idea for you to think about someone else every once in a while.  Because if you don't, you're going to end up getting hurt, or see something really unpleasant.

Like my dick.