Random Thoughts II

• I just heard of a great new place where you can go tanning for free. It's called outside.

• Remember when you used to be able to go outside at night and see the stars? I hope they're still out there. 

• It seems to me that often the people who want to teach abstinence only are also the people who believe that Jesus was immaculately conceived.  Not quite 100% effective, is it?

• Why is it fun to pet kitties, but it's work to give people massages?

• Is the neighborhood ice cream truck EXACTLY the same as the creepy van full of candy we warn children about?

• You will totally get in trouble for looking up a girls dress, unless she's dancing. Then it's practically encouraged. 

• Don't make vocal noises while in a public restroom.  It's unnecessary.  The only noises should be coming from your pelvis.

• Hey Guy with Big Truck.  Places that aren't parking spots aren't parking spots.

• Use the bannister.  Dick.

• Hey ladies, every man you've ever encountered has looked, is looking, or will soon be looking at your boobs.  Sorry, that's just the way it is.

• Smokey the Bear needs to stop pressuring me.  Bitch, I have a job, and I don't really like to travel.  Are you telling me that out of seven billion people on the planet, you can't find ONE other person to prevent forest fires?  What am I supposed to do?!  Run around the forest slapping matches and lighters out of people's hands!?  That's assault, dude!  I will get ARRESTED for that shit.  Besides, there's a lot of acres of forest out there, and I don't see how I'm supposed to cover all of it on foot.  I'd need an ATV of some kind, and I'm telling you right now, I'm not paying for that out of pocket.  That's something YOU are going to need to provide.  And I'm going to need some kind of gasoline allowance, especially with prices these days.  Oh yeah, and I'm not liable for fires started by lightning.  That's bullshit.  Lightning does what it wants, and I'm telling you right now, I'm not jumping in front of a lightning bolt just to protect the forest.  Not that I don't like the forest and all, but you've seen how uppity and belligerent lightning gets, and it seriously gets like that ALL THE TIME.  I have sensitive skin, and I'm not looking to get it all dried out by third degree burns.  So why don't you and your little bear friends take your One Man Forest Fire Fighting plan to someone else, because I'm not down with your crazy.  I haven't the time, the energy, or the legal immunity necessary to complete the task as you've laid it out to me in our many correspondences.  Get off my ass already, because seriously, dude, it's not happening.  .....anyway, stay safe out there campers.